An Honest Look

I'm back.  It's been awhile.  Thank you for waiting.  

Depression has reared it's ugly head again. So many things piled up.  Imagine a grassy hill. In the summer it's green and lush, but in winter, it's covered with snow.  Depression for me (because it's different for everyone) is like when a snow plow keeps adding that snow to the hill until the pile is huge. Does that make sense?

Oh, poor me.  I should pick myself up, dust myself off, and get on with it.  Believe me, I'm trying, and hard. I have so many things to be grateful for.  I do, I really do.

But, depression doesn't work that way.  It's not that easy.  Depression is sneaky, and mean, and horrible. It's real. Trust me, it's real.

I'm a pretty good pretender, so I've been hiding under the covers (literally and figuratively) and living life as though I feel grand.  Today I was having a happy visit with a dear friend, and I'm not sure how it happened, but I had a complete melt down.  I cried about so many things. Said friend, being the beautiful person she is, talked me through it and calmed me down. I wish I had the words to explain how debilitating depression is.  But I don't, so I won't try.

I know the evil depression lies within me.  I have months when I'm feeling normal, and stints when I'm feeling terrible.  Knowing how to deal with depression is half the battle.  Exercise and eating well are on the top of my "depression war" list.  Prayer especially, helps.

My prayers are usually sent internally.  I don't voice them, but I do pray.  Today, on my daily walk with Rudy, I prayed aloud. I walked, and I prayed, and I cried. It felt so good to voice my prayers and blessings.

I know I'll be okay. I have lots of  family support, and God to see me through.  Other people have a hundred other problems.  I don't mean to pull the "woe is me card and my life is so terrible" card, because it's really not.  I have the BEST life.

My intention for writing this is to reach out to someone else who might be struggling with depression.
 It's time to get real and be honest.  Because it stinks.  It just plain stinks.

SLOW...DOWN

A wise woman once told me to slow down. It's taken me years to figure out what she meant. 

I think I get it now, though to stop being in a hurry is easier said than done when you have a personality like I do.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not running around with my head cut off making sure our house is perfect (it's far from perfect), or sprinting back and forth checking laundry and fluffing pillows.

Although, I do have my moments.

For instance, give me a task and you'll never regret it.  When I'm in the mood or challenged, I won't disappoint.  If I feel like cooking, I'll go nuts in the kitchen.  If I feel like cleaning, everything from the baseboards to the tops of the windowsills will be scrubbed.  If I feel like doing laundry, I won't stop until every single article of clothing and linen is fresh, folded and in it's proper place.  The dog needs a walk?  We'll be back after five miles. Murray wants to do a project?  Never fear: I have an arsenal of art supplies and ideas.

But, this only happens when I'm in the mood.  I can be extremely organized, but I can also be extremely lazy. I find that the more organized I am, the more I'm allowed to be lazy.  Quite the catch-22, don't you think?

Let's get back to the wise woman who reminds me to slow down.  My Grandma. I've found that following her advice makes me enjoy whatever I happen to be working at, even if it's not a task that thrills me.  Because, when I slow down and take my time, I have pride in whatever it is I accomplish. And, if I take my time, well, you can imagine that things turn out quite a bit better than if I were in a hurry.  Slowing down takes a ton of practice (I even am trying to slow down my rate of speech), but each time I remind myself to take a deep breath and relax, I find so much more pleasure in accomplishing my goals. 

I love you, G.K. 

-MM

Chin Up, Buck Up

I've had sme time to process since last Wednesday when I announced the latest hurdle.  It sounds easy to move on, and sometimes, it feels that way.  That's not to say I don't  have my moments.  Relying on my inner strength, my faith, family and friends is helping.  Today was the first day that I went to the office, despite the fact that I was dreading it.  I woke up this morning with an attitude of, "take names and kick a**, but Craig reminded me that it's not my style, or in my blood to do so.  So I went to work with a cheery face, worked on getting organized for the people who will be taking over my work, and grinning when I wanted to cry (not that I didn't have tears when I left). 

I had a quick, healthy lunch, came home, started some more house work and when I couldn't help it anymore, I called my loved ones.  I feel better at the moment, and remain positive that I will continue to do so.  As I've said before, keeping busy is an immense relief.  By the end of the week, the majority of deep cleaning will be done and then I will focus on my creative writing course (which I need and am excited about). 

As far as projects go, does anyone have advice for caring for an out of control Umbrella Tree Plant?  I love it dearly, but am afraid to split and and re-pot it for fear of an untimely plant death.  The poor thing is thriving, but her roots are growing out of a very large pot.  Help!

The best news?  I don't have to worry about missing Ellen or Oprah.  If I work hard all day, I can have 2 hours of entertainment and solace until we begin our evening.  LET'S DANCE!