Prairie

It's time for me to lay it on the line. As anyone who reads my blog knows, I have been struggling with severe anxiety and depression. I've been fighting and fighting, and I was only feeling worse. On Monday morning, I literally fell apart, completely and totally. I couldn't even get dressed. So, with Criag and Maggie behind me, I checked into Prairie St. John's. After some very honest evaluations with therapists, counselors, nurses and my psychiatrist, I am now what the call a partial hospitilization patient. I have found the relief I need and after the first three days, and wish I could stay there forever. They are teaching me so much, and I am learning a ton about humanity. The group I am in has about 9 others just like me, who suffer from this mental illness (I learned that depression is a mental illness, much to my surprise). I had many stereotypes about the people who sought help at Prairie, and I was, once again, way off. I was very ashamed to admit that I needed help, but I'm starting to realize that this is the best thing that I could have done for myself and my family. It is a wonderful feeling to realize that I am being proactive and that I won't feel like this forever. I have a lot of work to do, and it will be hard work, but I'm looking forward to healing and recovery. I did not grieve properly when Mom died, and it has finally caught up with me. Anyway, I have a whole team to help me through this, and I am so glad that Maggie and Craig pushed me to enter the progam (I'm pretty sure they would have forced me if I had not gone willingly). I have so much support on the home front, and that in itself is amazing. This will be a slow process, I'm told 3-6 weeks, but it isn't meant to be a quick fix. And I'm happy about that. I need to take the time to learn and process, and each day is emotionally exhausting, but at the same time comforting. I haven't even had an anxiety attack since Monday, though it's still very hard to function on a regular basis. Each small task is a huge accomplishment, and I'm proud of each and every one. So there it is. This is where I'm at, and I'm learning to be proud of myself for asking for help when I need it, instead of being ashamed.