The Big D

I used to think that people who suffered from anxiety attacks were full of hooey. I'm ashamed to admit that I was way off the mark. Totally, completely, wrong. They are not made up, they are very real, and they are very scary. I can be happily going about my day, no particular stress, or "weird" feeling, and BAM! Out of nowhere, I suddenly feel as though my world is crashing down around me. My limbs go tingly and numb, I'm dizzy, my heart is pounding as though it will pop out of my chest, I'm fighting to breathe, and sick to my stomach. I feel like I am going to keel over any second (this is not an exaggeration). Sometimes, it lasts for hours, sometimes, minutes. When they do subside, I'm always left feeling tired and weak, which, when I think about it, is no wonder. My body is fight or flight mode, and of course I would feel pooped after.

Now, you ask, why would I share such personal information? I was thinking about that, and seriously considering never, ever discussing any of this. For some reason, it's very difficult to admit that I am having a tough time, and it shouldn't be. Maybe it's because I don't want anyone to think I've gone a bit crazy, or I'm simply feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe it's because so often people keep these things to themselves, and here I am, writing about it for anyone to read. It would be easy to hide out until I get through this phase of life, but I don't want to do that. As a trusted and wise friend recently told me, at the end of the day, it's me, not anyone else, that I have to report to. So, I chose to write about my experiences with anxiety and the big "D" because I think that maybe by being honest and open about what I am feeling, someone else won't be so afraid. Because this is scary. It's terrifying (not to mention very frustrating) to feel this way, and if I could only understand it, maybe it wouldn't frighten me so. The unknown is always the worst - sometimes I think it's easier to know what's going to happen, even if you aren't going to like the outcome. At least then you can prepare yourself.

Anyway, there it is. This is what I'm dealing with. I don't want sympathy or pity, I just think it's important to talk about this issue. There are so many good things in my life, I don't understand why I can't get myself out of this slump. I am constantly fighting it, trying so hard to not feel like this. And I will keep fighting. I won't let the evil big "D" win.

Murray has been having fresh nectarines for breakfast this week, and he gobbles them up like they're candy. Here is a funny clip of him shoveling them in this morning:


He's a great mood booster. How can you not feel a bit of happiness when you see this face? What a great reminder that life must go on.