A Rubber Tub

I'm in a sentimental mood.  Here's why:

Lately I've been focusing on getting closets/drawers/bedrooms organized.  I want to have our house in order before school starts in August.  I've discovered some wonderful items (even Craig's Scheel's gift card that was lost long ago) and have been puttering around, willing myself to find a place for things.

Yesterday I started the long dreaded task of cleaning Murray's closet.  The majority of the contents include our Mom's files and memories that we tossed into a Rubber Maid tub when we cleaned out her house, to be dealt with when we felt a bit better.  I didn't know that three years later, I would still feel the same raw grief that I felt when she got sick, the morning she died, and the months after. 

Despite my sadness, I've had a lot of smiles and laughter.  Our Mom saved things that only a mother knows would be important someday.  My journals from high school (oh the shame), Maggie's ridiculous drawings, other items that Mom must have know that we would appreciate.  I'm catching a glimpse of the  quiet, gentle and committed woman that she was.  I found two of her four badges (my sister has the others) and I had to sit still and cry for a while.  That's the catch 22 of memories:  the good ones never fade, but the bad ones don't either.

So, while reminiscing in my shared childhood and adulthood with my sister, my Mom's motherhood, and life in general, I can say that it's been a good experience.  Healthy, cathartic.  It's not easy, but I'm determined to finish the project  - Mom always said, "Do things well and completely" - and so I will. 
But maybe tomorrow.  And with my sister. 


Anonymous said...

VERY NICE! Happy almost bday mommacita!!!!

Roxane B. Salonen said...

Marie, so bittersweet, isn't it? You are doing so well though. These steps are important in the continued healing. It doesn't mean you are that much closer to forgetting, but perhaps a little closer to forgetting without all the pain. I know it will never go away, this great loss you have experienced. But I do hope in time you find that the good memories have overtaken the hole just a bit. I know your mother is very proud of you!