Dear Mom, It's Me, Marie

Warning: This is a pretty maudlin post, so if you aren't in the mood to feel down or cry, don't read it. Some may say that it's inappropriate, but it's my blog, and my blog is my therapy, so I'm posting it anyway.

Dear Mom, it's me, Ree,

I woke up this morning thinking of you; wishing that I could feel your arms around me just one more time. Oh, how I would give anything for a hug and a conversation. Since I couldn't speak to you, I did what you've always told us to do when we're far apart: I wrapped my arms around myself and pretended it was you. And then I pondered how things would be different if you were still here. If Heaven had an airline, I would be on the next flight. I pose the following questions knowing that you can't answer me in person, but with the faith that you are answering in spirit.

What would you have done when Murray woke up at 5:30am this morning demanding to watch a movie? (we said no)

How would you have reacted when he threw an enormous temper tantrum when I said "no"? Lord knows, you've dealt with more than your fair share of tantrums when Maggie was Murray's age and when I was Maggie's (current) age. Ha! (we took the dvd player away and let him cry it out)

What would you say if I asked you how to make french dips for the millionth time? We're craving them and although you wrote the recipe for me, it would be so much easier just to call you. (You'd laugh and patiently explain every step and detail)

Did you know that our phone bill has decreased by 50% since November 3, 2007? I miss our multiple daily chats more than I could ever have imagined. (although Craig used to complain, even he wishes our phone bill was high again)

What would you tell me to do if I called and said that I'm sad? (you would probably tell me to look around and find something, anything, to be happy about, even if it's the dead of winter)

What would you say to Murray if you could speak to him? (my guess is that you would tell him how much you love him and you would teach him things that only Grandma's can)

What would you say to Craig if you could speak to him? (I think you'd tell him that he's doing a fine job as a husband and father and that you are proud of him)

What would you say if you could speak to Mags? (OH, so many things, but mostly how proud of her you are and that she's turned into a fabulous woman)

Do you visit us in our dreams? (I think so)

What's Heaven like? How's God? How's Mary? (I don't have an answer for this one, but my guess is that everyone up there is watching out for you, for us, for our loved ones)

I have so many more questions, but I think you get the idea, Mom. How would we all be different if you hadn't gotten sick? I heard a quote the other day: "God makes no mistakes." It struck me dumb because even though I'm horrified that you're gone, I have to keep reminding myself that you really aren't gone, that you are with Him.

In a conversation with Grandma Kate while I was in labor with Murray, I started to cry and asked how I could possibly be a good mom without your help. Her answer was simple. She said, "Marie, she's already taught you to be a mom; by raising you!" So though your life was infinitely too short, I am so blessed to have had you for the time that I did. We all are.

I love you mom.


Anonymous said...

That was a great post! Pretty sure mom would have A LOT to say to me right about now....I'd probably be in some other country by now far far away....I love you!

Marie said...

Thanks, Anonymous (though I know who you are)! I love you so much and frankly, am glad you're across the river, not an ocean! :)

Maggie said...

Haha, i wasn't trying to be anonymous, just forgot to add my name!

Roxane B. Salonen said...

Marie, so I'm a little late again, but I'm so glad I had a chance to read this. Keep using your blog as therapy, Marie. You never know when it might touch someone else as well. You are doing so well and I agree that your mother already gave you what you need, but I also understand the desire to have her arms around you, to hear her voice. I'm sorry it can't be that way soon, but someday all the pain will melt away and you will be with her again. Until then, she wants you to live life fully, and I do believe you are doing the best you can with that.

Looking forward to our time together soon. :)


Tena May Gallivan said...


I saw your link on facebook and came over for a look. Your conversation with your mother has me in tears and I wanted to tell you that I swear that she has visited me a few times. A few very strong dreams with her and twice I have found an envelope from her and then the card she wrote me when I was first diagnosed. They seem to pop out of thin air (out of a book and out of an envelope) and I still think of her and marvel at her amazing spirit.

If you feel that she has visited you, then know that she absolutely has. You know the difference between a thought or a dream and a real knowing.

In one of my dreams, she was coming to help fix some big messes, and I knew that she was the one for the job. Her face loomed large and radiant. That has stayed with me.

Thank you for reminding me of my belief in such matters. I have been in a spiritually confused and empty place lately, and this post showed me that I do have these convictions.

Thanks for writing,

Tena May